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A TED talk presented by Treebeard

Although highly unusual in the asexual Plantae kingdom, within the Animalian Heterosapien species there exists two similar yet unique XX and XY mammalian bipeds that unite in nocturnal unions to formulate new fully formed yet immature saplings. While not completely necessary, the absence of light seems to produce the most viable and vigorous couplings. Through a curious process the XY attempts to pollinate the XX by a series of anxiety ridden fumblings and aggressive gesticulations of the stamen in the general vicinity of the pistil.

No symbiotic relationship with the insect world is required to distribute pollen or assist in fertilization, although translocation of individual infestations may occur as in the case of crabs or lice. Rare transference of bed bugs or fire ants may also occur during nocturnal unions in infected areas such as the bipeds bedding or in the insect’s natural habitat.

Infrequently, often accidently, pollen ejaculation results in fertilization of the ovum causing the zygoted sprout to undergo complex cellular divisions and multiplications to occur over the following eight or nine lunar cycles.

The XX’s procreation journey culminates with the violent expulsion of a single diminutive wrinkled sprout/progeny. Multiple ovum or split celled blastula (embryonic heterosapiens) are possible although statistically improbable. Infantilized progeny are completely dependent upon the XX parent during the first twelve to eighteen months. Differentiation and social or cultural preferences between XX and XY become obvious as individual sprouts receive varying degrees of care in relation to the caregivers evaluation of the value of the sprout.

Between the 18-36 month period sprouts develop elementary motor skills and a crude form of language, often lacking sound modulation control. Formal education commences later in life, approximately 60+ months, in the form of extended periods of pointless interaction (called play), inferior and nutrient deficient feedings and forced socialization with similar aged saplings. This often results in physical conflict and shows of aggression. Excessive aggression or conflict may cause premature scaring and long term ill effects. It is indeed fortunate that the brain of saplings is not fully formed, and the capacity to create long term memory is not manifest at this stage of development.

Saplings are sexually immature until ten or twelve years of age. Emotional and mental growth occurs between the ages of 16 and 28. Maturity is not self-evident without extensive testing and false positives occur with some frequency.

Recreational practice dusting and pistil wriggling is culturally discouraged as it reportedly causes premature blindness in both the XX and XY organisms. Threat of physical impairment (blindness) does little or nothing to curb the innate behavior. Test subjects report euphoric tingling of the extremities “their fingers and toes” and a “full body rush” that lasts anywhere from a few seconds to several minutes. We are uncertain what the term “rush” means in terms of any physiological manifestation endured by the subject. To date we have been unable to reproduce blindness in our test subjects, although our test subjects appear to be healthy and abnormally enthusiastic during repeated testing.

As with all bipedal life-forms the female XX mature faster in all aspects, perhaps due to the rounding of their heels during prepubescence. By contrast some XY never fully mature regardless of age or experience, perhaps due to prolonged exposure to video games or monster truck rallies.

Additionly we find the Heterosapien organ placement to be confusing and ill considered. Take for example the stamen of the XY organism; it appears to fulfill two dichotomous functions; that of pollen production and delivery system as well as fluid sanitation elimination. We find this biologically curious as a waste facility egress is adjacent and indeed fully functional for liquid as well as solid waste. Curlicue foliage growing in this area does little to insulate or camouflage the reproductive organs. We believe the foliage to be superfluous and trace genetic residue from a predecessor species acclimated to a colder climate.

A protracted juvenile state coupled with advances in medical technology has enabled the natural lifespan of the average heterosapien to extend past what we consider to be a normal lifetime. Until the last 100 or so years- heterosapien life expectancy was 60 to 70 years. A year is calculated in terms of one cycle equaling four sequential seasons. XY’s dying off ten or more years faster than their XX counterparts. To date we have no explanation as to the discrepancy, although it may be due to pollen production and the underlying hormonal fluctuations in the brain.

In the past few years chemical compounds designed to counteract the natural aging process that causes stamen thickness failure have become commercially available. Manufacturing and broad scale distribution of these compounds, (Viagra, Cialis) is ongoing and detrimental to our purposes of population control. Overpopulation of this single species is threatening not only the Animae kingdom, but has become a plague and a menace to the Plantae kingdom.

I am here before all of you today to elucidate the maturation and mating habits of a fascinating and prolific species. By knowing and understanding the heterosapien reproductive cycle we may collectively discover new options to control the rate of new sprout outbreaks. In the past infectious viral and bacterial diseases have been grossly effective as a control mechanism for a small percentage of the population. However, I would openly discourage distribution of specific viral strains that may implant survivors with genetic markers that could grant immunity to future generations. Natural disasters like draught and floods plague the heterosapien population but cannot be localized to only exterminate the desired organisms. We must focus our efforts on agents nonlethal to the plant and animal kingdoms else we inadvertently endanger our own ecosystems. Any avenue of query that may harm Ents or our charges is too dangerous to consider and should be vehemently discouraged.

Barring a viable solution to reduce the numbers of new sprouts/organisms, we must draft a systematic plan to eradicate the old growth (elderly) who stubbornly refuse to discontinue transpiration in a timely manner. Under ordinary circumstances all old growth organisms are a legally protected class considered to be a fount of accumulated knowledge and the bearers of ancient wisdom. We hereby exempt the old growth heterosapiens from that protection.

We Ents can no longer remain the silent, passive sentinels of the past.

We must act now.