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It was a bad idea. A very bad idea. Giving me the responsibility and total control of the design was not the brightest idea my wife has had this year. Just shoot me now!

Our piece of the chuppah looks like a kindergarten class had recess with finger paints in shades of green only and pressed leaves and blades of grass into a menagerie of indistinct patterns all over an 8 inch square of gray cloth.

It’s a disaster!

Before ten minutes ago I didn’t even know what a chuppah was. And now I’ve ruined it.

Chuppah- the ceremonial cloth that serves as a couples first roof during their wedding ceremony.

In terms I can understand; it’s a kind of quilt, where pieces are sent to loving considerate people to decorate which are then assembled into a patchwork quilt for the newlywed couple to enjoy. With enough time and pre-sorted pieces I can make a quilt, but give instructions to create a masterpiece on a tiny square and I’m doomed. Doomed I tell you!

I wonder if there are any six year olds supplying pieces? Mine might just fit in with theirs and then I’d not be the focal point of failure.

I don’t know what I was thinking, I had a decent concept. Ok, Busted! I borrowed a decent concept; it wasn’t mine which is some small minuscule consolation although not much. Take some leaves from the yard, paint them lightly, press said painted leaves onto the fabric and viola! green blobs from hell! indistinct globs and smudges that bear no resemblance to anything except Rorschach inkblot test images.

Maybe I should cue the viewer to imagine what it could be?

Like looking at the clouds and saying can you find Santa Clause, or a bunny, or a fox? Maybe a leaf? Wishful thinking I know.

Oh just shoot me now. It’s not like I didn’t know that I have no skill in art projects. There are 3 people in my life that I can think of right off the top of my head that I could  turn to when I need artistic inspiration. Did I do that? NOPE. I had it covered. Idiot.

Now I have to confess my distressing news to my trusting wife, I can’t even think up a great cover story for this one. The upside is that she’s not a fabric artist either, maybe she’ll feel relieved that I screwed it up and she didn’t.

What I need is another square. A 8 inch cotton square of cheap gray fabric. Maybe if I drive to Timbuktu right now I can find an identical piece of cloth and then have enough time to get it ready to show by tomorrow morning. Right, not gonna happen. Not enough time; and really how bad is it? They’ll only hold on to this keepsake for the rest of their married lives.

No wait! The envelope has no return address. I can send this in anonymously! The bride and groom will never read my blog,  (it’s not good enough) at least I don’t think they read my blog.

I can’t have created the worst one, second to worst yes, but surely not the worst one.Besides I’m not the only failure at art, right?