I don’t like Valentines day, with it’s unending commercials that relay the message that if you bought the right ring from the right jewelers you’d have the woman of your dreams eating out of your palm like a puppy. It’s sickening, and if you’re one of those women you’re sick. SICK I tell you! Get a life, or better yet buy your own darned flowers and binge on high quality dark chocolates in front of the TV with your emotional but not biological sisters, while watching The Rum Diaries with Johnny Depp. Come on people! It’s a made up holiday to get you to part with your hard earned (or not so hard earned) cash that plays on the concept that with a little greasing of your gals wheels she’ll love you forever and just because you spent a hundred bucks on the infinity heart shaped gold colored thingamabob necklace. Nothing says “I’m an insignificant blob, but I love you!” like a cheese whiz card and a heart shaped box of cheap milk chocolates with undetermined gooey fillings.
Yesterday on a quickie trip to Cost cutters, yes I know I filed a grievance in earlier posts but it was vitally important or I’d not step foot in the place, I NEEDED Haagen-daz coffee ice cream. Anyway, at the front of the store were a gathering of about half a dozen men, all ages, sizes, shapes, educational and financial levels, lets just call it a good Blaine cross section of the XY chromosome population. Standing like lemmings simultaneously yet alternately reaching, reading and putting back one pink or red card after another, these poor souls were obviously in a quandary. How do I say I love you to the woman in the kitchen without sounding like a testosterone filled vessel at a monster truck rally, while also NOT appearing to be the biggest mushy marshmallow alive? One stalwart fellow walked in, grabbed the first card he saw that was pink and swiftly walked to the counter. I have to wonder what his wife will think when she reads the card that expresses concern over her newly diagnosed breast cancer signed “I love you! BUBBA” Guess he thought that pink ribbon meant something else. I hope the first words out of her mouth are ” did you even read the card before you bought it you twit?” I’d love to be there when she says “You’re such an ass.” Now thats a hallmark moment. Put that on a card.
In defense of the fellas. I get it. Today while trying to keep up with my studies I have to come up with something extraordinary. The first year we were together was the “Un year” where we decided since the relationship was relatively new, we were skipping all the sentimental mushy holidays in favor of fun filled do whatever you like days. I am particularly proud of the Un-valentine’s day card, which said “today is not special! I love you. Every little hair on your head, every day you draw breath, till the wheels fall off, baby!” OK, thats not what it said, well not exactly but you get the gist.
Now ladies you’re not off the hook either. In this day and age where we expect a certain amount of egalitarian overtures, that also means that you gotta step up too, or better yet, ask your loved one over for dark chocolate bon bons and a viewing of The Rum Diaries with Johnny Depp. Even if the film stinks, it’s a win-win.