I’m getting married soon, the date is still undetermined, but it is imminent regardless of our indecision as to place and time. As I’m wading through the details, finding out about the license, the official do’s and don’ts, and navigating the clothes, rings, pondering the question of going high brow, or low rent, caterer? restaurant? I realize that I just want this done, over. If I could book a flight to Vegas and drive through a wedding chapel in a pair of ripped jeans and a nirvana t-shirt, I’d be on Travelocity in light speed. Beem me in Scotty! Thats when I realized that this event, this spectacle isn’t for me, or for us, it’s for our friends and family and giving them the opportunity to be with us when we make the jump, plunge, errr….commitment to each other.
A few weeks ago, I jokingly said that when I’m with my partners family I feel like a garden slug in Einstein’s circus, it’s true I often feel this way, but before you get offended (new family) let me explain. I’m marrying into a family of high achievers, over educated en mass , musically talented (every single one of them) , capable, gifted, warm, loving people. I, on the other hand am the equivalent of Joe average American style, average intelligence, average motivation to succeed, completely adept and comfortable living day to day flying by the seat of my pants. Childhood poverty will do that to a person, limit their dreams until what you have are little dreams, short term goals, and little obtainable in less than a year dreams. I’m not on par with the future in-laws, but maybe, just maybe I bring into this relationship something of value, something real and genuine and grounded in the earth. I certainly hope so or I’m in for a lifetime of not measuring up, and thats a miserable place to be.
Now I’m in the big time, quit my job, tap into my retirement and use the money to finish my education and make something of myself. No pressure, just get a degree before you run out of money. Now those little dreams seem so small and yet so easy to achieve, like choosing the path to mediocrity, the common, the average. I am so far out of my comfort zone and into the skinny branches, that it feels scary and intimidating, yet exhilarating and freeing. I’m not sure if I took the red pill or the blue one, but I’m certainly off the treadmill, out of the matrix and still a bit disoriented, drippy and gooey from the transition. I’ll find my feet. I have to. I’m getting married soon, just not sure when.